Come on guys. You don’t have to have a degree in rock and metal philosophy to learn that Nickelback get a lot of shit these days. Nickelback are now an integral part of the inner circle of online hatred alongside: Internet Explorer, Justin Bieber, Ugg Boots and Nicholas Cage. Millions of keyboard warriors and trolls have took it upon themselves to smother the internet in memes, rage videos and offensive comments to really try and pound the Canadian rock group into an early retirement.
And do you know what? For years I defended them. Nickelback were an huge part of my upbringing, and possibly one of the main reasons why I blossomed into the beautiful heavy metal butterfly I am today. As my friends fell victim to the waves of online slander regarding one of my all time favourite bands, I stood strong. I sharped my sword and polished my shield, forever ready to do battle with the scourge of 4chan, on the fiercest of YouTube comments sections, each teaming with racism, homophobia and endless your mama jokes.
Sadly my friends, despite my best efforts, I lie before you a broken man. For the very cause I fought for has betrayed me. Betrayed all of us who once had faith. With their latest studio release No Fixed Address, Nickelback released the true apocalypse, worse than anything that had come before. Yes, even worse than ‘Rockstar’. I’m talking about the abomination that is ‘She Keeps Me Up’. The same band that birthed hard rock anthems like ‘Animals’, ‘Sex’ and ‘Someday’ pulled down it’s levi jeans, bent over and shit out one of the most disgusting tracks I’ve ever heard.
It’s fucking embarrassing how bad this song is. Chad Kroeger was obviously shopping in Walmart, browsing the children’s aisle when he wrote the lyrics. “Funky little monkey, she’s a twisted trickster”, “Coca-Cola roller coaster”, well that’s if he did actually write them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s joined the ranks of glorified sell out whores nowadays. My gag reflex is working overtime. Everything that made this band who they are is just been cleaned up with a mop and labelled a bio hazard. The albums have been on the decline for a while now. Hell even 2011’s Here and Now wasn’t the best they’ve ever done but this takes the maggot infested gateau.
My inner 9 year old is screaming at Nickelback. How could you all just collectively dump on your fan base like this? I miss the corny 90’s rock, the super noodle hair do, all of it! I’d rather have a pure 90’s cheese fest than this putrid display of ear injected ipecac. Do us all a favour, just stop. No one with a fully functioning brain like’s where you’re heading so just pack it in. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve made quite a mess of myself, how is it every time you puke there’s always carrots? Weird.